Hello everyone.
I just wanted to let you know that I will be starting a new list and that means a new blog. If you are interested in keeping up with my stories please go to http://30byth1rty.wordpress.com/
and hit the follow button at the bottom of the page.
It’s time for some new adventures!
Megan
And just like that a year has flown by. A year that started at an excruciating snail’s pace of awfulness. A year that morphed into something so beautiful. A year that I will never, ever forget or regret. A year that I am so very sad to see end. I am feeling some sort of depression. Almost as if I am having to break up with 27. At 2:08am I turned 28. Twenty-eight. How unsexy does that sound? No, I don’t mean that I am no longer sexy because I am 28. 28 just doesn’t quite have the pizzazz that 27 did.
It’s raining here today. This could make me sad but it seems very fitting. I actually love the rain. I love the sound of it beating against my window. I love that I can stay in my pajamas and in my bed for a little longer. Here is what I can tell you: I plan on making the very most of the rest of my life. Each year will be wonderful in it’s own way. Each year I will gain new experiences. Each year I will grow into a better version of myself.
I was asked recently if I was going to be doing a list for every year. Although this sounds amazing I feel like I would surely do everything there is to do in this world by the time I am 50. And that is just not ok. So I am going to take it a little slower. I will be doing a new list. A list of 30 things to accomplish before I am 30. I have yet to decide if I will be creating a new blog or just updating this one.
No matter what I want to thank you for being a part of this year. I started this blog on a whim. And it has been something that has kept me sane this year. I have enjoyed posting (even though I was a slacker a lot and didn’t post everything…especially towards the end…but what can I say? I have been so crazy busy). Thank you for going on this journey with me. It’s been swell.
And without further ado…here is my updated list…in all it’s glory…or lack there of. 🙂
1. Get a tattoo (13.1 & ?)
I’m basically gangsta. My tattoo artist even agreed.
So last week I went to this wonderful shop called Obscurities on Cedar Springs in Dallas. For the longest time I had known that I wanted to word Agape on my left wrist. It seemed obvious that this would be what I would get for my first tattoo. But life just doesn’t always work out in the ways we have planned. I left with two tattoos that day. One is the number 13.1 on my left foot to remember my half marathon I ran in Hawaii this year! It’s adorable and I love it. And one is even more special than that. I keep going back and forth on whether I want to share it or not but I can’t see why not. I kept thinking that I wanted to get the number 27 on me somewhere to keep this year close to me. I looked at all sorts of number fonts and body placements. I had settled on a cute 27 on my right side and then starting thinking that I didn’t want numeric font that instead I wanted the words twenty-seven written out. And then my friend, Alett, was a pure genius and suggested I get my blog logo. That is what I walked away with. My 20twenty7seven on my right ribs. And I couldn’t be happier.
2. Travel to 3 new places (Rhode Island, Boston, Boulder, Hawaii)
Rhode Island, Boston, Boulder, Hawaii
Travel was definitely the best thing to happen to me this year. I learned so much about myself through each trip. I was so grateful that I had time to catch up with one of my best friends from college in Rhode Island and that she took me to Boston. It was a great trip that ended with 5 days in NYC with my Leos. A great start to my year. Boulder was next with my trip to visit Cailin around Thanksgiving. I fell in love with Boulder. I certainly enjoyed actually being hit on. Who knew I was a hot commodity in Boulder? And Hawaii. Oh Hawaii. A much needed trip that completely recharged my batteries. It was eye opening in so many ways. Seeing my friends as new parents to twins. Talking through heartache. Running my half marathon. Spending a few days by myself on the Big Island. It was just absolutely perfect.
3. Go on a road trip (Boulder)
Boulder!
Such wonderful memories of Boulder. The road tripping itself not so much. I drove at night on the way there so I didn’t really get to take in the beauty of the trip. I did jam out to some great songs though. And, of course, on the return trip I wrecked my car on the ice. Still one of the scariest moments of my life. I did however get a beautiful new car out of the situation. And my Sweet Caroline is not only adorable…it is so much safer than my Orange Crush was.
4. Put a new stamp in my passport (Costa Rica)
New stamp!
I really can’t believe I pulled this one off. I nearly had a heart attack not being able to locate my Passport. Thank God I live in a Dallas because I was able to head downtown and expedite a new one. I lived on the edge a little with this by purchasing the plane ticket before I had even scheduled an appointment at the passport place. So many fantastic memories with Cailin in Costa Rica. The Costa Rican men that ran the zipline at Arenal were probably my favorite!!
5. Go see both the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans (Atlantic at Jamestown, Rhode Island, Hawaii) 
This was a suggestion given to me by my cousin. It was freezing the day I went to see the lighthouse at Jamestown but I was determined to stick my finger in the water. And in doing so a wave came up and jumped in my shoe. I screamed like a little girl and Fusco has it on film. And I went to countless beaches in Hawaii. The water was so nice. I also got in the water in Costa Rica which would have been the Pacific side and not the Gulf.
6. Take a yoga class (Uptown Yoga)
This was rough. My friend Mel and I had a Groupon for this place. I had no clue what to expect. She took me to the hot yoga. I was drenched almost immediately and nearly passed out because I hadn’t eaten that day. I also let out a few choice words that she scolded me about.
7. Lose 10+ lbs and run regularly
This was accomplished! Yes, I want to lose more weight. And yes, I want to continue to run on a regular basis. Right now I am not running as much as I had been previously. But I am still getting out there a time or two each week. It is so much harder in 100 degree weather!
8. Run it a least one race — ie. 5K, 10K, half marathon, marathon etc (Dallas Marathon – 6 miles of a marathon relay time on Dec 8. CANCELLED; finished the Big Island Half Marathon in Hawaii) 
I was concerned when the Dallas Marathon was cancelled for bad weather but Hawaii came about because it so I guess it all worked out beautifully. I don’t think I even completed my post about the Big Island Half. It was rough. And definitely tested me. It downpoured for atleast half of the race. Torrential downpours. And the wind was whipping at 40-60 miles an hour for parts of the race. But I finished that race! And I did it all by myself. No one to cheer me on. No one to run with.
9. Re learn how to swim
Hmm…so this one hasn’t officially happened yet. I was going to do it this week but my tattoos still haven’t healed enough for me to get in the water. But I will be completing this by the end of the summer!
10. Work at a new theatre (this summer?)
This one didn’t happen. And that is ok.
11. Take a real vacation (Hawaii, Costa Rica)
Both were glorious in their own way. Costa Rica cost much more.
12. Go on at least 3 dates (So far away from accomplishing this!!!)
Yeah. This one didn’t happen. I remember when I first started making the list I had put go on at least 1 date and my roommate quickly laughed at me and told me to put at least 3. That is would be easy. Welp that was a big, fat lie. I knew this one would be the hardest for me to do. Because I am awkward. Because people don’t hit on me. But I didn’t think it would make me feel sad in any way and it does a little. Not too terribly much. But a little. Oh well.
13. Kiss someone new (No comment)
I should probably just stick with “No Comment” and call it good. This is crossed off the list but a lady never kisses and tells.
14. Host a party (Mad Men Holiday Party Dec 15) 
This was an epic night of awesomeness! One that I hope to do again. I had such a blast hosting this party. If only I had a bigger place and could have had more people attend! I do have to say my mom was a huge help in planning this bad boy. She even helped me shop while she was in town.
15. Complete first draft of my book (In progress)
I have this book in process. Something that is dear to my heart. But in the midst of this crazy year I didn’t devote much time to it. The first draft is not complete. And that is ok.
16. Write a short story (Encounter at the Airport)
I actually wrote a few stories this year. Writing seemed to soothe my soul. My favorite is about an encounter at the airport.
17. Read a book a month (Hunger Games Series, The Help, Catcher in the Rye, My Story, Anthem, )
Sadly, I did not finish this. An easy one. The sad thing is I had every intention of doing the reading. I love to read. But I only love to read things that I find interesting. And I don’t always have time to investigate that.
18. Clean out my life — ie downsize belongings, de-clutter house (in progress)
Big ol negative on this one. I will have to in the next month when my sister moves to Dallas!
19. Visit at least 3 churches (Cornerstone at Highland Park United Methodist Church)
I’m crossing this one off the list because I visited Cornerstone, Prestonwood, Fusco’s church in Rhode Island and my dad’s church in the panhandle. But honestly I have been attending Cornerstone on a pretty regular basis. I don’t really know anyone there, except my friend Tiffany who is about to move away from Dallas and leave me all alone, but I like it there.
20. See 3 old friends (RI- Fusco; Boston – Melissa; NYC – Kayliane, Anne Marie, Kevin B, Jenny, Hettie, Timmy, Kurt, Kegley; Boulder – Cailin; Dallas – Amber G, Charity, Tony C, Herman!; )
Loved seeing so many beautiful faces this year!
21. Take a pottery class (CAC — on waiting list)
I’m super sad I didn’t make this work. It will be happening. I love pottery. I love being on a wheel. It is such a creative outlet for me that I haven’t had since college. And I will be fixing that soon.
22. Learn a new hobby (finishing old projects)
So this turned into finishing up old projects. I took in a couple of my vintage swimsuits with help from a dear friend in the costume shop who helped fit me. I have another appointment with her to do the same with several of my vintage dresses. I also worked on a few articles of clothing that needed a little love. Quite the little seamstress I guess.
23. Try a new recipe once a month (This morphed into a dinner night each month with a friend)
I thought this would be easy to accomplish especially with hosting a party. And I did try like 8 new recipes for that party. But this sort of morphed in to me having a dinner date or cooking with a friend once a month.
24. Go to 3 concerts (Mumford and Sons at Gexa, Michael W. Smith Christmas at the Meyerson, Ellie Goulding at Southside, Pink Martini and the Von Trapp Family Singers at the Annette Strauss, Tuneyards & Sylvan Esso at the Granada) 
All so great! All at different venues.
25. Got to 3 different sporting events (Rangers Game x3; Stars game)
I really didn’t want to have to count multiple Rangers games but oh well. I love Rangers games! And the Stars game was a blast too. 
26. Go to 3 shows (Book of Mormon Broadway Tour; A Raisin In The Sun at Dallas Theater Center; Peter and the Starcatcher Broadway Tour at the Winspear; Assassins at Theatre Three; Waiting for Godot on Broadway; Little Miss Sunshine at Second Stage; Big Fish at the Neil Simon on Broadway; Snow Geese at the Freidman on Broadway; Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer at the Majestic; A Christmas Carol at Dallas Theater Center; Hedwig and The Angry Inch at the Bathhouse Cultural Center; On The Eve at Theatre Three; Lugo and Long at Pocket Sandwich; Fortress of Solitude at Dallas Theater Center; Cock at Second Thought, Booth at Second Though, Much Ado About Nothing at Shakespeare in the Park; A Winter’s Tale at Shakespeare in the Park in Addison)
So many shows. And I think I am forgetting a few.
27. Audition for something (Dogfight?)
This didn’t happen. Which actually makes me sad. I wanted to cross that one of the list soooo bad. But it just wasn’t meant to be I guess. Next time perhaps.
So there you have it. My list. Incomplete. Sort of. But done. Now it’s time for me to get all cute and go roller skating because that’s what I want to do today. And on your birthday you get to do what you want.
I have been craving physical contact recently. Not too sure what this is about. People touch me literally every day. At work, I am touched all of the time. All. Of. The. Time. I suppose it’s because my body is pretty phenomenal. Or perhaps because I touch others all the time. But I am craving something more than that. Maybe it’s not the physical contact I crave. Maybe, just maybe, I am craving intimacy.
I’ve had a lot of time on my hands lately. This always seems to happen once a show finally opens and my days free up. Instead of doing something worth while with that time, I seem to piss it away sleeping. Or binge watching shows. Or wasting time online. I’m tired of this. I am tired of not doing something more significant with my time.
In the past week, I acquired not one, but two tattoos. Yeah, I have two tattoos now. I am pretty much gangsta through and through. And I have to say I love both of them. I was nervous about having some sort of regret about it. But that hasn’t happened. And won’t happen. They are in the process of healing. It’s possible I will post pictures of them at a later date. But for now, just know that I have two tattoos!
It’s quite difficult for me to describe the level of sexiness I feel with ink on my body. I feel so much more incredibly sexy. For some reason.
My tattoo artist was really easy to talk to and was very inquisitive about my list of 27 things. He asked me tons of questions about it. It was refreshing.
Something happened to me Sunday night. I don’t want to go into any amount of detail. But I do want to say that I am grateful for the friends I surround myself with. It is always nice to think that you know people will have your back when it comes down to it and it something else entirely to see that thought put into action.
A very wise friend said something to me a couple of nights ago that I can’t seem to stop thinking about. He said that I am only responsible for my feelings. I have never thought about it this way. I typically take into consideration so many other people’s feelings before focusing on my own. But I am not responsible for anyone’s feelings but my own.
I have dropped my phone several times in the last week. Last night it finally busted real good. I need to take it to the doctor.
I dance naked in my room. My Sylvan Esso LP just resonates in my soul and makes me want to get down with my big bad self.
I’ve been pretty pensive the last couple of days. I guess that means I have been in a more serious mood than normal.
My birthday is just a couple of days away. I’m not sure how I feel about that.
My sister is moving to Dallas! Let the craziness begin! Can’t wait!!
I’m starting to think I am more normal than I think. I find myself, at times, daydreaming about normal things that I have never wanted before. What is going on with me?
I’m currently reading Marilyn Monroe’s autobiography. It’s interesting.
I just ate a s’more. Ok. I just ate two s’mores.
My legs are shaved. No big deal.
Why does the color mustard make me so happy?
I just want someone to cook for me. All of the time. So I don’t have to. Is this why people get married? I’d consider it if it were.
Traveling is good for the soul. It’s time for me to start thinking about the next couple of trips. I have some time off at the end August and a few weeks at the end of Nov/beginning of Dec. Where should I go? What should I do? So many places I have yet to go. So many friends I would love to see. And yet I find myself being drawn back to a couple of places. Decisions, decisions.
I don’t know what else to say. So many thoughts fill my head all the time. Running through, if only for a moment. Some of them are only for me. Right now I just don’t know what to say.
My birthday is in ten days. Ten days. How has this year flown by so quickly? I started two months after my birthday on completing a list of 27 things to do during my 27th year. It was something I challenged myself to do to get over a breakup and move on with my life. Something to make me grow. To be a better person.
Ten days to go. My list is not complete. And I am pretty much ok with that. I am sad that I won’t be able to cross everything off my list. But the list was a perimeter for me to live life and that is exactly what I did this year.
Last night a few friends and I were sitting around at my favorite bar in Dallas, enjoying a nice night on the patio. And I was asked about my list and how much I had accomplished. I thought for a moment, trying to recount what I had to do. I quickly spouted off that I had completed over half of it but that I hadn’t really looked at it lately.
I pulled my list up and we started talking about the items that still needed to be crossed off. I sort of laughed at the items one by one and said I wasn’t sure how I could possibly get them all in during the next ten days. And then something pretty wonderful happened. My friends started encouraging me to complete the list. They told me it was doable. That they would help me cross off every item.
I can’t tell you how sweet that is to me. My soul was completely touched by their desire to help me reach my goal. So the next ten days will be a push for me to get the rest of my list crossed off. We will see what happens. No matter what I am sure it will prove to be exciting. Wish me luck. And feel free to help me out with any of these…
Here are the items left on my list:
Get a tattoo
Relearn how to swim
Work somewhere besides DTC
Go on at least three dates
Read a book a month
Take a pottery class
Audition for something
Go to three sporting events (one left, unless I count multiple Rangers Games)
Complete first draft of book (There is no way this one can happen)
Write a short story
Clean out house/downsize belongings
I always feel like my thoughts are important. That they are deep and profound. And that everyone would benefit from hearing them.
I know this is not always the case. But there are moments in my life where I feel like something significant is happening. A slice of life. Where a moment is so big that it sticks out to me. That I take away from that fleeting moment something that will forever change me.
Today is my day off. My one day off. I slept in. I went to bed so late last night. But the only thing on my agenda for the day was to have a phone date with my dad. See, my dad is this exceptional human being. I honestly could go on and on about my dad for days and still not say enough great things about him. He is truly a selfless person. And one of the most humble people I know. There are so many great qualities that he possesses that I am lucky enough to have molded in me in some way.
This past weekend he embarked on a weekend journey of homelessness. Some people may think this is bizarre. Some may think it’s a waste of time. Some may not care at all. But my dad did this incredible thing that makes me so proud to call him my father. He literally put himself in someone else’s shoes for a couple of days and came away changed because of this.
My phone date was to get the details of his weekend. My mom was in town a couple of weekends ago. She and a friend had told me my dad was about to embark on this adventure of sorts and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I couldn’t ask enough questions about it. I couldn’t completely wrap my brain around it.
My dad is a compassionate man. He has always been that way. It was so special to hear about his trip. To hear his stories. To picture him roughing it. It touched my heart and started nudging me. So many times lately I have found myself complaining about something and then laughing about it because I say, “first world problems.” We as Americans are so extremely spoiled in so many ways. We always want to be making more money. We always want bigger and better things. Can you imagine giving up all of those things to spend some time with nothing to your name?
My dad challenged me to go on this trip in this next year. I had already been toying with this idea since my mom had mentioned it. I am ready to experience some life altering things. I am ready to step back from my life and see a bigger picture. I am ready to try and make a larger impact in some sort of way. I am ready for something…big. Something huge. I am ready to do something big.
I don’t exactly know what I mean by that. And a weekend of homelessness could barely scrape the surface of what I am desiring in my life. But I am looking forward to having this experience. To being able to share something so unique with my dad. He is hoping my whole family will do it. But I think he came to me first because he knows I am fearless. He knows I am his daughter. He knows I will enable the other members of my family to do this with us.
I tell you these things because there was a moment when I was on the phone with my dad today where I teared up. I do this from time to time when really thinking about my dad (and my mom). I don’t know that this is normal. But the thought of not having them in my life literally breaks my heart. I thought back over the last year and thought about the number of people who lost loved ones. My heart aches for those people. My heart is still completely broken for my Green girls. Even now thinking about your loss brings me to tears. I love you each so much and cannot fathom the deep loss you have felt this year. I am thankful for the tears we cried together. The moments of silence we had together. And the times of laughter we shared this year. I am so moved by the
Time is fleeting. It flies by so quickly. And I want to make sure I make time to spend it with the people I love. Because I have no idea what tomorrow could bring. Life is so fickle and can be taken away in an instant. I want to make the time I have count here on this earth.
I want to make my dad proud. I want to make myself proud.
I did it. I actually managed to renew my passport in 10 days through an expedited process. And I booked a trip to Costa Rica less than 2 weeks out. One more thing to cross off the list! Hooray!
It is that time again. Time for random thoughts with Megan. Hooray!
It is fascinating to me that dogs can scratch themselves with their feet. Their toe nails. It is absolutely crazy. Can you imagine a human doing this? it makes me laugh thinking about it. Picture it. It’s pretty good.
Penny, the dog, just nestled into my bosom. It was precious. So stinkin’ precious.
I don’t know how to say this…but…Costa Rican men love me. They can’t get enough of me. They apparently really enjoy curvy, pale women with great personalities. I’ll be telling you more about this is another post.
There is this girl. Her name is Tiffany. We share the same birthday. We work together. Sometimes we go to church together. She is beautiful. And makes me laugh. And the more time we spend with each other the more we realize we are even more alike. It’s a little bizarre.
Last night my friend told me that she could tell I was actually tan because my boobs were tan. Ha. I showed her how white part of my boobs were compared to the tan parts.
I have encountered ants more in this last week than I have in years. And it makes me realize…I hate ants. I hate small things that can bite me.
This week of dog watching has taught me a lot of things: 1. It is sometimes nice to have a pet. It is nice to have someone else around. I haven’t felt lonely because the dog is always here. B) I really hate having to give the dog attention when I don’t want to be giving attention. Ie. when I am trying to sleep and she won’t stop trying to get me to pet her. Or when she is all up in my business when I just want a little space. Next – I really, really cannot handle having to deal with other individuals’ bodily functions. I am not made to deal with someone else’s poop that I have to clean up. It is terrible. And makes me want to gag. I assume babies are the same…if not worse. I am just not cut out for that.
Today I am wearing a v-neck navy tshirt from Old Navy. It is almost a decade old. I got in on clearance for $2. And I have received so many compliments on it. I’m assuming because it makes me boobs look pretty amazing. It always comes back to the boobs.
I really want a high waisted bikini. My friend and I discussed this a lot during our Costa Rican vacation. I took three swimsuits. Two which are vintage. And one tankini. I am a very curvy girl. A bikini just isn’t a good option for my body in it’s current state. But a high waisted bikini could be amazing. Of course I would have to find the perfect bikini top that could support my girls and still look good. Sometimes being a woman is rough.
I’m terrified of looking at my credit card bill this month. The vacations are stacking up. Which isn’t a terrible thing. But I don’t want to think about what I need to pay off.
The Tony Awards were this past Sunday. These are the highest esteemed awards you can win in my industry. It was quite heartbreaking to hear that starting with next year they are going to stop giving out a Tony for Best Sound Design of a musical and a play. Sound Designs can make or break a show. Without sound a show can be lifeless. They already give out the awards for best designs before the live broadcast. What is next?…are they going to take away all of the design awards? Is it really going to only be about actors from here on out? The reason I am in love with my art form…with theatre…is because it is all about a group of people coming together to create something together. Without one of those people you end up with something that is subpar. It is just ridiculous in my opinion. However humble it may be.
My brother and his wife – wait for it – bought a house this week. They bought a house. My little mind can barely wrap around that. Perhaps because I am no where near being in a place financially where I could even consider buying a house. They just went out and bought a house. It makes me feel so very much like a kid at the adults’ table. Trying to play the part. Trying to fit in. I am happy for them. Extremely happy for them. I just cannot even imagine.
I want a house.
A cute house.
I really wish I was equipped to make my own music. I wish I had learned how to play multiple instruments. I grew up in a family where my dad was/is an extremely talented musician. My brother, in college, started playing the guitar. And my sister can rock out on so many percussion instruments…and the guitar…and a little piano. She writes her own songs. I do not measure up. And it makes me sad.
I feel like I used to be slightly annoyed sometimes by my dad playing the guitar all of the time while we were growing up. But now that I have lived away from them for so long…and with people who are not musicians…I miss music filling the house.
There is this person in my life that beings out a completely different side of me. It is refreshing. And exciting. That is all I am gonna say about that.
Someone at work a few days ago asked me about the boy in my life. I laughed. Out loud. And asked what in the world she was talking about. She said she thought there was a boy. I laughed some more. And assured her there was no boy. No nobody. Just me.
My parents are coming to town this weekend. We are going to celebrate Father’s Day. The less I see them it is more apparent that they are aging when I do see them. I don’t mean that in any sort of mean or rude way. It is just always so interesting how much someone’s appearance can change in even short amount of time when you don’t physically see them every day. I posted a TBT photo of me as a cheerleader my junior year of high school today. I look so incredibly young. And yet to me I look sort of the same. But it’s because I see my face every day. It isn’t as apparent to me the changes that I go through as it is to my someone who doesn’t see me every day.
Confession: I definitely binge watched Orange Is The New Black after I got back from Costa Rica. I tried not to. I tried to keep calm about it. But I watched six to eight episodes in one setting. Ahh. It’s so addicting. And terrible when it’s right at your fingertips and you know you can watch one episode after the other. Especially when you aren’t working.
Here’s the thing. Last night I went to dinner with a dear friend in my life. He was over an hour late, which made me want to punch him in the throat. But he is adorable and generally makes me life so much more fulfilling so I refrained. Since I am staycationing in Oak Cliff for the week I made him come to me. With it being much later than originally planned we first stopped to get a piece of pie. He insisted on paying for my dessert to make up for his tardiness. I obliged. So adorable. We then headed down the street to Oddfellows to grab some dinner. We wanted to sit outside because the weather is lovely.
We walked inside and the first person we saw was at the bar. He welcomed us. We said a table for two and asked to sit outside. The bartender said the hostess (host if it is a man?) would be right back to seat us. I turned around and there was the host. He asked if we wanted to sit inside or outside and we said outside. They were out of tables. The bartender quickly chimed in and said we should sit at the outdoor bar and he would take care of us. We smiled and started heading out the door.
When the host was ushering us to our section of the outdoor bar he assured my friend and I that we were in highly capable hands with the bartender. He explained that he traveled a lot and had just gotten back from Africa. This, of course, peaked our interest. We sat down. John was on my left. We looked over the menus. The bartender asked if we wanted to start with drinks. We asked for water to begin with. We chatted over what we wanted to eat while water appeared in front of us. I ordered a Moscow Mule…because sometimes it is the most perfect of beverages. And it reminds me of AMC…who will be in town so very soon…for a wedding. I also ordered the fried chicken…because why not?! And subbed the mac and cheese for the mashed potatoes. John ordered the BLfriedgreenT sandwich with a salad.
The weather was perfect out. Not too hot. The sun was setting. John and I discussed what has happened in our lives over the last couple of days. This, of course, centered around his experience with Les Mis at DTC…because I really don’t have much going on in my life this week other than playing with Penny and living in Blake’s beautiful house. It’s always interesting to spend time with John. He seems to be bothered by silence so he will ask multiple times what is new in you life. It’s quite precious. But when not much is happening in your life, you kinda just want to punch him. It’s similar to those times where parents really want to bond with their teenage children. Ya know, when they get you alone in the car. And ask you 1000 questions to try and get you to talk. But you give them short answers because you don’t really want to talk. You know what I am talking about. My mom is a pro at this. Even now. Ha. Sometimes John sort of reminds me of that. Just trying so hard to make conversation.
Anyway, we continued to chat over dinner. Which was pretty delicious. I devoured my Moscow Mule. The bartender checked on us multiple times but we were always deep in conversation. When my Moscow Mule was empty he checked in on us again and we finally had a chance to engage him in conversation. I was so curious as to why he had spent time in Africa. He shared with us that he was/is a missionary. I quickly asked him for what religion. Which seemed to be an odd question for him. I don’t know why. He sort of stumbled over his answer which was Christianity. He had to step away to help another customer and I quickly asked John if I had asked something inappropriate. I do that. A lot. Without really trying. It’s a gift of mine. My spiritual gift. John assured me it wasn’t strange and wasn’t sure why it landed oddly with the bartender.
The bartender returned to tell us a few stories. John had previously asked him what the most interesting thing that happened to him was. He started talking to us about his time in Africa. How he was sent to show people love. How he loved Jesus and just wanted to share that with people. How he wasn’t trained in anyway but was called to share Jesus and His love and that is exactly what he was doing. Now this is not new information for me. I am a preacher’s kid. I’ve heard all of these things before. But for some reason something just seemed so odd to me about him sharing these things with us. I caught myself wanting to roll my eyes a couple of times. And I am not sure why. I can’t quite pinpoint the reason behind it. I just felt like this guy was selling to hard. Selling Jesus to us.
Even now I am still thinking about this. Wondering why it seemed so strange to me. Wondering why I automatically wanted to roll my eyes. I don’t often like to talk too much about religion. I hate the debates it can bring on. I hate the hate it can so quickly conjure up. Because of this, I don’t often share my beliefs. I wouldn’t say that I am religious. I’m not. But I do have faith. I am spiritual. I have grown up in church all of my life. And there were some really terrible times. Church people can be so terrible. So horribly unloving. But there were good times to. My time spent growing up in church helped shape me into exactly the person I am now. And I am pretty exceptional person if I do say so myself. Some people may disagree but you shouldn’t. This dude wasn’t speaking about religion. He was simply sharing his faith so unapologetically. I should think that is refreshing.
It was interesting talking to him. Hearing a couple of his stories. It prompted a deeper conversation between John and I about religion. The last time we had been to church. Mission trips. Etc. We paid our bill and then headed back to Blake’s house with pie in hand. The most glorious of pies. Emporium Pies. Sexy smooth operator pie! John played with Penny for a while and then eventually left. It was a great night. Even if my date was late.
After a while I ended up going to grab a drink with another friend to catch up. She has been going through a major breakup. Seven years of being with a person and then it ended. It instantly threw me back into memories of my breakup last summer. So much of our discussion was about how she felt and why she ended it. How she was worried about her, now, exboyfriend. And I found myself siding with the boyfriend. Not intentionally. And honestly I have will always take my friend’s side. But the more we compared my relationship to hers she was my ex and I was hers.
It’s so strange to me that you can be in a healthy, happy place. You can have moved on. You can be completely secure being you and being single. But the moment you have to re-examine your past relationships you begin questioning things you shouldn’t question. Things that have no point in being questioned because it’s done and over with. Nothing will make things go back to the way they once were. Not that I want that. Because I don’t. But it’s hard to think back on those three years of my life and be able to pinpoint very specific moments that lead to the demise of the relationship. The demise of the friendship. It’s hard seeing it all from a different perspective now.
I started thinking about how I am at my very core…a good person. I am. There is so much good in me. I really hate hurting people. I hate seeing people in pain in general. I have a natural maternal instinct in that I want to make things better for people. I care. Deeply for people. Especially people who love me. I am very loyal in that way. And I will love you through the good and the bad. Until you really push my limit. Until you really break me. Completely and utterly break me. After then I can’t have you in my life. I can’t go back and forth between wanting to still love and care about you to constantly feeling the pain that you caused me through whatever you did. Where was I going with this? I think I just wanted to say that it took me a while with this breakup to know that is was ok to blame the other party responsible. It is so easy for me to want to take in all the blame, to soak up all of the hurt, to keep you from hurting. But it wasn’t just me. It is never just me. And I really despise the fact that I was ok taking the blame and not holding you responsible for your part in the whole ordeal. That is all. I don’t think about you any more. I don’t dwell on this. It just popped up in my mind due to the conversation I was having about my friend dealing with her breakup. It was hard for me to side with her on certain things because I see some of your tendencies in her.
Some deep thoughts. Something lighter now. My friend also informed me, with grand hand gestures pointing to my body, that I was the whole package. That I have it all going on. In all of the areas. I laughed at this. Like I do. I never really know what to do with compliments. Which is terrible. So I typically just laugh. We laughed about the fact that this year I had been told I had “a great personality.” And that “someone should just take one for the team” to be with me. But it was nice seeing through someone else’s eyes that I’ve got it all going on. It makes me feel like I am more in control over that fact that I am single and have no prospects. Instead of the honest truth which is that I am just not approached. But that is ok. My life is pretty great. And being single has afforded me the opportunity to enjoy myself. To enjoy my life. To do exactly what I wanted, when I wanted. To not answer to another individual. To just focus on me. It has been eye-opening. And exhilarating. And a great year in so many ways.
Ok. That is all for now. I promise posts about Costa Rica are coming up soon.
So much to say and yet no specific words spring to mind.
Let’s start with the most basic of information: I just returned from my vacation to Costa Rica! This means that I got a new stamp in my passport! Hooray! So many people have asked me about this trip. And I honestly don’t quite know how to put into words my feelings about it. I was on the phone with mi madre yesterday afternoon and I found myself using lots of hand gestures (while I was driving) to talk about the trip. The trip was exactly what I needed. I spent some quality time with one of my favorite people in the world. I got some sun. I experienced new things. I relaxed. I had an adventure. I was ogled by Costa Rican men. It was great.
However…I wish I would have had more of hands on experience with the country. I wish I would have spent more time with locals. I wish I would have rented a car and explored the country more. I wish I would have experienced more of what life is really like in Costa Rica and not just time at a resort. I wanted pictures of the country. Of the people. Of normal life. And that, I did not really get. And that is ok. I didn’t really know I was wanting those things until I was flying back to Texas. I suddenly felt like I was somehow missing out. So I guess I know for next time. For the next trip.
Since I have been back the last couple of days, I have stayed fairly busy. I’m doing a little work on the side. I have seen several friends already and have more lined up this week. My family will be in town this upcoming weekend. I will be house/dog sitting for Blake this week and testing out a new area of the city to see if it is where I would like to move at the end of this summer. I’m pretty excited about this “staycation” of sorts. I can’t wait to explore the neighborhood. I went to church, looking quite lovely if I do say so myself. My crush was not there. Ah well.
Here is the thing…despite all of these things…despite having lots of people to hang out with and lots of things to do…I am somehow finding myself feeling lonely. I honestly can’t even believe I am admitting this. Because it seems so silly. But I do feel lonely. Perhaps it is harder settling back into normal every day life after my vacation where I spent every waking and sleeping hour with Cailin. Perhaps this year of being single is finally catching up to me with no prospects in sight. Perhaps I am just being a silly girl. No matter what I can’t really shake the feeling.
I can’t help but miss certain things about being in a relationship. Small things. That shouldn’t really matter. But do. I miss just having someone to kiss. Simple really. Or someone just to touch. Hand holding. Hugging. Spooning. I guess I just miss basic human contact. Wow. This sounds so pathetic.
This is supposed to be my year. I am supposed to be seizing every moment. And I do. In a lot of ways. But I feel like when it has come to relationships (that is a really strong word…but I don’t know what else to use to describe what I am talking about) I haven’t seized moments. I have kept myself guarded. Fearful of making a mistake. Or being awkward. Fearful of being happy. Or attached. I have just over a month to work on this. I still have yet to go on any dates…whoops. Doesn’t someone have to ask in order for me to go? Ha. I do have a friend who has been trying to set me up with a friend of his…but I have been avoiding this option like the plague. I can be so awkward. I guess I just need to let this go. And try to just let things happen over the next month.
I need something…profound to happen to me. Something big. Something new. I would say something drastic. I am little terrified to say that because I don’t want to allow room for bad things to happen. I just need…something. I feel sort of lost in a way I haven’t felt in a really long time. I have always just known that I was exactly where I needed to be or doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing. And right now…as a 27 year old woman…I don’t have any clue what I am doing with my life.
I don’t know that Dallas is still the right place for me to be right now. I have been here much longer than I originally intended. And that isn’t bad. I actually love Dallas. And it grows on me more and more the longer that I am here. But how much longer do I stay here? Am I staying here because it is easy? Or because I am too complacent? Or is there really where I am supposed to be?
And don’t get me started on what I do for a living. The last show nearly killed me. Ha. Of course it made me strong and better but it really had me questioning what I am doing with my life. Am I one of those Stage Managers that does this for the rest of their lives…that means I will be SMing into my AARP adulthood? Or do I move into some other form of management within the theatre industry? Or do I, at some point, jump ship and do something completely new?
So many questions. And zero answers. And that is ok. It has to be. But I just keep wondering what else is out there in this great big world. What other cities are there for me to live in? What other places are there for me to work? Where am I supposed to be? There is so much I want to do in life. So many experiences I want to have. And although this year has put me much closer to doing many of those things, there is still so much more to be done. I suppose I should just find a job that lets me travel more. That would be perfect.
Hmm…I guess that is all for now. I’ll be posting about Costa Rica in the next couple of days and hopefully get back to posting a little more regularly now.
Mondays are the best days. Perhaps I only feel that way because it is my one day off a week. I’m sure if I had a typically 9-5 I would likely think Mondays are the worst days. But for now – they are glorious to me. Never mind that I woke up naturally before 10am…or that I have already done laundry and deep cleaned my kitchen. Or that I need to clean the rest of my house. It is my day off. And I can choose to do with it whatever I want. A nap will be in store for me soon.
There is nothing sexier than a person who is musically inclined. One of my biggest…I’m not sure of the word…regrets…but that is way too strong and we have already established I don’t really have those…upsets maybe…is that I never learned how to play an instrument. I would be such a sexy musician…I think…or atleast I picture myself being sexy musician. I took piano lessons for a year in elementary school but didn’t stick with it. I always focused on vocal lessons from that point on…and now I hardly ever sing any more which is a little sad. I really would love to learn how to play the Cello. Perhaps it will be a new goal for myself.
Sunday marked the closing of Sherlock Holmes at DTC. I typically am a little sad for shows to end. I didn’t really feel that way about this one. I will be sad to not see those people I worked with every day. This show tested me in so many ways. It pushed me. It forced me to grow in my craft. I feel like I gained a wealth of knowledge over five years in the two months I worked on this show. I would love the chance to go back and try it again to fix so many of the mistakes that were made but I’m also extremely happy that isn’t actually a realistic option. It is time to move on to the next thing.
One more thing about Sherlock and then I will be done – I have already experienced over this past year the deep care and support that my coworkers offer to me. These people love me. They support me. They protect me. These people have my back in a multitude of ways. I have known this. But this experience shed even more light on this for me. They were my rocks. They were my cheerleaders who pushed me when I wanted to throw in the towel. I couldn’t ask for anything better than what they give me day in and day out in the best and worst circumstances. And I know that is rare. I am grateful. The end.
I have been drinking…quite regularly…over the past couple of months. This also isn’t new. I enjoy going out. I enjoy conversation with people. I enjoy just sitting outside on a patio with a beverage in hand taking in Dallas in the spring in all it’s glory. Alcoholism runs in my family so I have to be more careful with my habits than other people. The biggest problem is that I have a very high tolerance. I generally only have a drink or two which doesn’t really have any sort of effect on me. It slightly relaxes me and that is about it. It would take so much alcohol to actually intoxicate me. I don’t really know where I am going with this…other than sometimes people wonder if I drink too much. I don’t. That is all.
This time next week I will be in Costa Rica! I am beyond excited! I haven’t really taken much time to plan anything out yet and that is ok. All that matters is that I have a new passport, I will board a plane, and fly to Costa Rica with my lovely friend, Cailin. I will vacate my life for 5 nights of exotic adventures. I will get a new stamp in my passport. I’m so lucky.
When I am at home and in my bedroom I am typically in panties and a tshirt. This is my around the house look. I am most comfortable like this. But it makes me wonder what other people wear while they are lounging around the house. Most women…especially with large breasts…will remove their bras right away when getting home. But what do men do? Do they lounge around in their boxer briefs? Or shorts?
I sat around the other night and listened to a group of people talk very explicitly about different types of drugs. They were so knowledgable. And I had no clue what they were talking about. I really am incredibly innocent.
Every day I go through a process of either thinking I am the sexiest person alive and loving my body exactly how it is…or hating everything about my body and thinking I need to run more, eat less, or do x,y,&z to be skinnier. This is what it is like to be a woman in the 21st century. Today – I don’t care. I should be trying to thin up a little for my trip to Costa Rica and I just don’t care. I don’t care that I don’t have a flat stomach. I love that I am curvy and full figured and I am not going to not enjoy my life in order to be smaller.
Monday I got a haircut…and I can’t put into words exactly how sexy I feel…but I will try…I feel sexy! Ha.
I have this friend. His name is Blake. He is one of my all time favorite people. His soul and my soul just get each other. We have the most fantastic of times together. Monday we went out to dinner for Memorial Day and as we were getting in the car to head back to his place for a night cap, he looked at me and said…something similar to this…”you know I’m not all mushy and I don’t really talk about my feelings but you should know that (insert favorite mushy thing here).” Basically he loves me. Not in a we are getting married sort of way. He is not interested in the female anatomy. But my life is infinitely better with him in it. And I love that we don’t have to say “I love you” ever. It is built in. We just know it.
What does one pack to go to Costa Rica on an adventure? I need to start planning this trip that is happening on Saturday!!! Ahh!!!!
At dinner the other night, Blake and I were discussing my list and what still needs to be crossed off. I told him that after this year I plan on doing an even bigger and better list of 30 things to do before I am 30. But this year, these experiences I have been apart of, these items I have crossed off, have made me such a better person. If you could compare where I was a year ago and the person I am today I don’t know that you would recognize them to be the same person. I feel so much better in my skin. Honestly, I am pretty convinced I am one of the coolest people in the world. Ha.
I need a make out buddy. I’ll accept applications now.
It baffles me when it rains and there are no clouds in the sky. And its sunny. Why ya gotta be all confusing?
In honor of the passing of Maya Angelou:
“Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.”
I get excited about people who are intriguing to me. I don’t really know where I am going with that. But it’s true. There is something incredibly sexy about people who are intriguing or a little mysterious I guess.
I have been booking lots of travel for my company lately. And it’s quite exhilarating spending someone else’s money. You should try it sometime. This makes me want a sugar daddy. Or momma. I don’t discriminate against people showering me with money and gifts. Ha.
I have been thinking about two celebrations that I will have coming up in July. The first is my one year anniversary of being single. I need to do something special to commiserate this. Something small. And then, more importantly, my birthday! I’ll be turning 28. And I have been fantasizing about a party at a roller rink. Possibly 80s themed. Lots and lots of spandex. And crimped hair.
Today I bought a skort. The fact that, a) I am admitting this and 2. this is still an option is hilarious to me. I went to Target to find a great maxi dress for my trip…and I did. But I also left with a navy skort with white hearts on it. It is adorable. And takes me back to a much simpler time. I literally sent my mom a text with a picture of me in it (to which she replied that i am cute) and said “The 90s are officially back in full force.” Skorts are better than Jorts!
I need some new flats. If you know me and see me on a regular basis – you know I basically wear flats each day. I have lots of different pairs. But my red ones…which happen to be my favorite…are trying to fall apart of me.
I wish it were acceptable to take naps at work. I find that when working “normal people” hours (9-5, or 10-6 in my case) I really would be so much more productive if I could take a 30 minute nap at some point after lunch. I would even bring a blanket to nap on. Do you remember having to take something to kindergarten for naps? This was genius. It should bleed over into our adult world.
20twenty7seven 