Here’s the thing…

Here’s the thing. Last night I went to dinner with a dear friend in my life. He was over an hour late, which made me want to punch him in the throat. But he is adorable and generally makes me life so much more fulfilling so I refrained. Since I am staycationing in Oak Cliff for the week I made him come to me. With it being much later than originally planned we first stopped to get a piece of pie. He insisted on paying for my dessert to make up for his tardiness. I obliged. So adorable. We then headed down the street to Oddfellows to grab some dinner. We wanted to sit outside because the weather is lovely.

We walked inside and the first person we saw was at the bar. He welcomed us. We said a table for two and asked to sit outside. The bartender said the hostess (host if it is a man?) would be right back to seat us. I turned around and there was the host. He asked if we wanted to sit inside or outside and we said outside. They were out of tables. The bartender quickly chimed in and said we should sit at the outdoor bar and he would take care of us. We smiled and started heading out the door.

When the host was ushering us to our section of the outdoor bar he assured my friend and I that we were in highly capable hands with the bartender. He explained that he traveled a lot and had just gotten back from Africa. This, of course, peaked our interest. We sat down. John was on my left. We looked over the menus. The bartender asked if we wanted to start with drinks. We asked for water to begin with. We chatted over what we wanted to eat while water appeared in front of us. I ordered a Moscow Mule…because sometimes it is the most perfect of beverages. And it reminds me of AMC…who will be in town so very soon…for a wedding. I also ordered the fried chicken…because why not?! And subbed the mac and cheese for the mashed potatoes. John ordered the BLfriedgreenT sandwich with a salad.

The weather was perfect out. Not too hot. The sun was setting. John and I discussed what has happened in our lives over the last couple of days. This, of course, centered around his experience with Les Mis at DTC…because I really don’t have much going on in my life this week other than playing with Penny and living in Blake’s beautiful house. It’s always interesting to spend time with John. He seems to be bothered by silence so he will ask multiple times what is new in you life. It’s quite precious. But when not much is happening in your life, you kinda just want to punch him. It’s similar to those times where parents really want to bond with their teenage children. Ya know, when they get you alone in the car. And ask you 1000 questions to try and get you to talk. But you give them short answers because you don’t really want to talk. You know what I am talking about. My mom is a pro at this. Even now. Ha. Sometimes John sort of reminds me of that. Just trying so hard to make conversation.

Anyway, we continued to chat over dinner. Which was pretty delicious. I devoured my Moscow Mule. The bartender checked on us multiple times but we were always deep in conversation. When my Moscow Mule was empty he checked in on us again and we finally had a chance to engage him in conversation. I was so curious as to why he had spent time in Africa. He shared with us that he was/is a missionary. I quickly asked him for what religion. Which seemed to be an odd question for him. I don’t know why. He sort of stumbled over his answer which was Christianity. He had to step away to help another customer and I quickly asked John if I had asked something inappropriate. I do that. A lot. Without really trying. It’s a gift of mine. My spiritual gift. John assured me it wasn’t strange and wasn’t sure why it landed oddly with the bartender.

The bartender returned to tell us a few stories. John had previously asked him what the most interesting thing that happened to him was. He started talking to us about his time in Africa. How he was sent to show people love. How he loved Jesus and just wanted to share that with people. How he wasn’t trained in anyway but was called to share Jesus and His love and that is exactly what he was doing. Now this is not new information for me. I am a preacher’s kid. I’ve heard all of these things before. But for some reason something just seemed so odd to me about him sharing these things with us. I caught myself wanting to roll my eyes a couple of times. And I am not sure why. I can’t quite pinpoint the reason behind it. I just felt like this guy was selling to hard. Selling Jesus to us.

Even now I am still thinking about this. Wondering why it seemed so strange to me. Wondering why I automatically wanted to roll my eyes. I don’t often like to talk too much about religion. I hate the debates it can bring on. I hate the hate it can so quickly conjure up. Because of this, I don’t often share my beliefs. I wouldn’t say that I am religious. I’m not. But I do have faith. I am spiritual. I have grown up in church all of my life. And there were some really terrible times. Church people can be so terrible. So horribly unloving. But there were good times to. My time spent growing up in church helped shape me into exactly the person I am now. And I am pretty exceptional person if I do say so myself. Some people may disagree but you shouldn’t. This dude wasn’t speaking about religion. He was simply sharing his faith so unapologetically. I should think that is refreshing. 

It was interesting talking to him. Hearing a couple of his stories. It prompted a deeper conversation between John and I about religion. The last time we had been to church. Mission trips. Etc. We paid our bill and then headed back to Blake’s house with pie in hand. The most glorious of pies. Emporium Pies. Sexy smooth operator pie! John played with Penny for a while and then eventually left. It was a great night. Even if my date was late.

After a while I ended up going to grab a drink with another friend to catch up. She has been going through a major breakup. Seven years of being with a person and then it ended. It instantly threw me back into memories of my breakup last summer. So much of our discussion was about how she felt and why she ended it. How she was worried about her, now, exboyfriend. And I found myself siding with the boyfriend. Not intentionally. And honestly I have will always take my friend’s side. But the more we compared my relationship to hers she was my ex and I was hers.

It’s so strange to me that you can be in a healthy, happy place. You can have moved on. You can be completely secure being you and being single. But the moment you have to re-examine your past relationships you begin questioning things you shouldn’t question. Things that have no point in being questioned because it’s done and over with. Nothing will make things go back to the way they once were. Not that I want that. Because I don’t. But it’s hard to think back on those three years of my life and be able to pinpoint very specific moments that lead to the demise of the relationship. The demise of the friendship. It’s hard seeing it all from a different perspective now.

I started thinking about how I am at my very core…a good person. I am. There is so much good in me. I really hate hurting people. I hate seeing people in pain in general. I have a natural maternal instinct in that I want to make things better for people. I care. Deeply for people. Especially people who love me. I am very loyal in that way. And I will love you through the good and the bad. Until you really push my limit. Until you really break me. Completely and utterly break me. After then I can’t have you in my life. I can’t go back and forth between wanting to still love and care about you to constantly feeling the pain that you caused me through whatever you did. Where was I going with this? I think I just wanted to say that it took me a while with this breakup to know that is was ok to blame the other party responsible. It is so easy for me to want to take in all the blame, to soak up all of the hurt, to keep you from hurting. But it wasn’t just me. It is never just me. And I really despise the fact that I was ok taking the blame and not holding you responsible for your part in the whole ordeal. That is all. I don’t think about you any more. I don’t dwell on this. It just popped up in my mind due to the conversation I was having about my friend dealing with her breakup. It was hard for me to side with her on certain things because I see some of your tendencies in her.

Some deep thoughts. Something lighter now. My friend also informed me, with grand hand gestures pointing to my body, that I was the whole package. That I have it all going on. In all of the areas. I laughed at this. Like I do. I never really know what to do with compliments. Which is terrible. So I typically just laugh. We laughed about the fact that this year I had been told I had “a great personality.” And that “someone should just take one for the team” to be with me. But it was nice seeing through someone else’s eyes that I’ve got it all going on. It makes me feel like I am more in control over that fact that I am single and have no prospects. Instead of the honest truth which is that I am just not approached. But that is ok. My life is pretty great. And being single has afforded me the opportunity to enjoy myself. To enjoy my life. To do exactly what I wanted, when I wanted. To not answer to another individual. To just focus on me. It has been eye-opening. And exhilarating. And a great year in so many ways. 

Ok. That is all for now. I promise posts about Costa Rica are coming up soon.