So much to say and yet no specific words spring to mind. 

Let’s start with the most basic of information: I just returned from my vacation to Costa Rica! This means that I got a new stamp in my passport! Hooray! So many people have asked me about this trip. And I honestly don’t quite know how to put into words my feelings about it. I was on the phone with mi madre yesterday afternoon and I found myself using lots of hand gestures (while I was driving) to talk about the trip. The trip was exactly what I needed. I spent some quality time with one of my favorite people in the world. I got some sun. I experienced new things. I relaxed. I had an adventure. I was ogled by Costa Rican men. It was great.

However…I wish I would have had more of hands on experience with the country. I wish I would have spent more time with locals. I wish I would have rented a car and explored the country more. I wish I would have experienced more of what life is really like in Costa Rica and not just time at a resort. I wanted pictures of the country. Of the people. Of normal life. And that, I did not really get. And that is ok. I didn’t really know I was wanting those things until I was flying back to Texas. I suddenly felt like I was somehow missing out. So I guess I know for next time. For the next trip. 

Since I have been back the last couple of days, I have stayed fairly busy. I’m doing a little work on the side. I have seen several friends already and have more lined up this week. My family will be in town this upcoming weekend. I will be house/dog sitting for Blake this week and testing out a new area of the city to see if it is where I would like to move at the end of this summer. I’m pretty excited about this “staycation” of sorts. I can’t wait to explore the neighborhood. I went to church, looking quite lovely if I do say so myself. My crush was not there. Ah well. 

Here is the thing…despite all of these things…despite having lots of people to hang out with and lots of things to do…I am somehow finding myself feeling lonely. I honestly can’t even believe I am admitting this. Because it seems so silly. But I do feel lonely. Perhaps it is harder settling back into normal every day life after my vacation where I spent every waking and sleeping hour with Cailin. Perhaps this year of being single is finally catching up to me with no prospects in sight. Perhaps I am just being a silly girl. No matter what I can’t really shake the feeling. 

I can’t help but miss certain things about being in a relationship. Small things. That shouldn’t really matter. But do. I miss just having someone to kiss. Simple really. Or someone just to touch. Hand holding. Hugging. Spooning. I guess I just miss basic human contact. Wow. This sounds so pathetic. 

This is supposed to be my year. I am supposed to be seizing every moment. And I do. In a lot of ways. But I feel like when it has come to relationships (that is a really strong word…but I don’t know what else to use to describe what I am talking about) I haven’t seized moments. I have kept myself guarded. Fearful of making a mistake. Or being awkward. Fearful of being happy. Or attached. I have just over a month to work on this. I still have yet to go on any dates…whoops. Doesn’t someone have to ask in order for me to go? Ha. I do have a friend who has been trying to set me up with a friend of his…but I have been avoiding this option like the plague. I can be so awkward. I guess I just need to let this go. And try to just let things happen over the next month. 

I need something…profound to happen to me. Something big. Something new. I would say something drastic. I am little terrified to say that because I don’t want to allow room for bad things to happen. I just need…something. I feel sort of lost in a way I haven’t felt in a really long time. I have always just known that I was exactly where I needed to be or doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing. And right now…as a 27 year old woman…I don’t have any clue what I am doing with my life.

I don’t know that Dallas is still the right place for me to be right now. I have been here much longer than I originally intended. And that isn’t bad. I actually love Dallas. And it grows on me more and more the longer that I am here. But how much longer do I stay here? Am I staying here because it is easy? Or because I am too complacent? Or is there really where I am supposed to be? 

And don’t get me started on what I do for a living. The last show nearly killed me. Ha. Of course it made me strong and better but it really had me questioning what I am doing with my life. Am I one of those Stage Managers that does this for the rest of their lives…that means I will be SMing into my AARP adulthood? Or do I move into some other form of management within the theatre industry? Or do I, at some point, jump ship and do something completely new? 

So many questions. And zero answers. And that is ok. It has to be. But I just keep wondering what else is out there in this great big world. What other cities are there for me to live in? What other places are there for me to work? Where am I supposed to be? There is so much I want to do in life. So many experiences I want to have. And although this year has put me much closer to doing many of those things, there is still so much more to be done. I suppose I should just find a job that lets me travel more. That would be perfect. 

Hmm…I guess that is all for now. I’ll be posting about Costa Rica in the next couple of days and hopefully get back to posting a little more regularly now.